Monday, November 12, 2012

The 22-Step Program of a Clothes-Shopping-Hater

22 reasons you have to drag me, kicking and screaming, to go clothes-shopping:

1. I enter the door at Kohl's.  
2. I turn right.  Because the women's clothing section is located to my left, I circle the entire store before I actually find the women's clothing section.
3. I see a beautiful outfit worn so nicely by a gorgeous plastic body.
4. I pick out said outfit to try on.  I could sure use a new look.
5. I think the plastic model has lost weight since I entered the dressing room.  Either that, or they're using one of those circus mirrors that adds pounds in all the wrong places.
6. I hang outfit on hook and leave the dressing room.
7. I feel guilty.  My mom's voice taunts in my ear: "If-all-the-world-were-just-like-me-what-kind-of-world-would-this-world-be?"  
8. I return to the dressing room.  I grab the outfit and take it to the "clothes-to-be-returned" rack.
9. I find a bigger size this time.
10. I return to the dressing room.  This time, it looks great.  
11. I glance at the pricetag. !!!!!
12. I return item to rack.
13. I find clearance rack.  Good, stuff under $10.  I grab a few things and return to the dressing room.
14. I try one on.  My horrified face in the mirror clashes with the XXXL neon green and electric orange paisley.  Oops.  Not so groovy nowadays.  And just a teensy bit roomy.
15. I return it to the rack.
16. I decide Kohl's stinks.
17. I go to Goodwill.  
18. I pick an outfit.  
19. I head to the cashier.  As she reaches her hands for my selection, I realize my choice is the same outfit I had donated to Goodwill last month.
20. I return item to rack.
21. I go home and pull out my oldest, raggediest pajamas and put them on. 
22. I vow never to return to a clothing store again in this lifetime.

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